New Moon Trailer over analyzed

New Moon 11/20/09
For anyone who does not have a mother, a sister, who hasn't know girl, or had a girlfriend, or walked past a girl in hallway. New Moon is the "epic" tale of an oafish girl who falls in love with a perfect man. He calls himself a vampire through out the entire series but don't worry for all those who hate violence. Nothing he does ever resembles that of vampirism behavior. If I was him I probably would have made up a cooler name for myself. I know what your thinking, he chose vampire because its Sexy. Well sexy for advocates of abstinence is just about as important and Paper weights for tree huggers. Anyways, On to the Trailer.



To catch you up on the story it seems that Bella played by Kirsten Stewart is reminding us all that Edward played by Robert Pattinson Love each other. Basic enough. I do appreciate the sexual tension in this scene. For those of you paying attention earlier I mentioned that Edward the Vampire was an advocate of abstinence. You won't find a promise ring however, those are copyrighted by the Jonas Brothers. Up next, Bella's Birthday party! How thoughtful for a group of undead immortals with millions of dollars at there disposal to go out of there way to buy Bella...a Cake! Bella makes sure to point out how overly thoughtful it is for immortals with millions of dollars at there disposal to buy her a cake.
Then the unthinkable happens! Bella being so clumsy prone cuts her self on present wrapping. I know what your thinking, infants are not even capable of doing this. I know what else your thinking, if she didn't have such a rich boyfriend she could have sued the pants off of JoAnnes Fabrics. Them and there murder wrap.
One of the peaceful family members then try’s to eat her, lots of jumpy camera work and flailing arms. Bella could have been killed. As in all scenes be it sexual tension or possible death Kirsten carries herself with disinterest.
Now we come to the most heartbreaking a memorable scene taken straight oaf to he book. Edward ditches Bella because if he is around then she is in danger (or so he says, kind of a silly reason really. If he wasn't around she would have been eaten.) So for her benefit he disappears forever. Kirsten we then see hugging a jacket with her trademark disinterest.
Enter Edi Gathegi reprising the role as Laurent. He points out what all the guys in the audience were already thinking. Leaving your girlfriend exposed to a world of violence you introduced her to is a bad idea. I can't help but think at this moment that Edward is the dumbest vampire in the history of literature (and now film). It is a fact that guys loooove dumb girls. I suppose this film proves that girls love dumb guys just as much.
Notice how much self control Laurent has, it's always been irritating to me that "evil" in this series has respect, nobility, self control, and acting to spare (nice to see Edi knows how to portray a vampire..not like all the other stiffs in this film) What do these goody two shoe Cullen’s use OH I COULDN"T CONTROL MYSELF as a scape goat? The evil people seem to have no problem with it. Life lesson number one, To have self respect and control is to be evil!
Watch out Laruant it's Jacob to the rescue, but how can a ripped muscle bound native American save the day? By revealing his true dark nature! WEREWOLF POWERS ACTIVATE. If you've ever seen a geek explain the technology used to create CGI creatures you'll probably remember its around 30 steps. Jacob looks like they stopped caring after step 3.
I'm also comfortable enough in my heterosexuality to point out Jacob looked like he could do a lot more ass kicking as a human being then a goofy cartoon werewolf. Almost looks like he shrinks but that might just be the terrible effects.

Well there you have it, my over all analysis of the trailer. Seems more like a criticism but I'm sure this film will be just as good as Twilight. Maybe even better. I'm actually curious to see how Kirsten Stewart portrays Bella in this film and it will be nice to see if Taylor Lautner can act. The first film he was about as important as a lampshade. Now with a bigger role he can show off his acting chops or fail at doing so. Not that it will matter much to the target audience, the guy is ripped out of his mind.

Ugh, Sparkly Vampires.